Wouldn’t it be nice if spontaneous s*x happened in real life the way it did in the movies? You know, when you can actually start ripping clothes off in a moment of passion and get right to it…with zero stress? Unfortunately, we have way too many preferred pre-s*x rituals for that kind of impulsive s*x to happen completely carefree. We much prefer when we have time to do these things (even if we’d never admit it publicly):
1. Whip Out That Matching Lingerie That Never Sees the Light of Day
And then struggle to decide whether you’ll wear it uncomfortably under your clothes for the entire date or keep it in your purse so you can put it on in the bathroom pre-action.
2. Shave—or Wax, or Depilate—Everything
You’ll let the unruly hair go free later, but sometimes you just want to be smooth, damnit.
3. …Or Awkwardly Dry Shave in the Bathroom Right Before
This is what happens when you try to be spontaneous. You remember your woolly mammoth legs and wind up surreptitiously landscaping with his razor under the guise of “freshening up.”
4. Do a Hack Job Tidying Up Your Room to Appear Like a Functioning Member of Society
You’re not going to deep clean your apartment or anything—but you will throw all of your strewn clothing, embarrassing knickknacks, and garbage in your closet to keep up appearances. And make your bed, you guess.
5. Give Yourself a Thorough Inspection Down There
Of course, you know rationally that your vulva is going to look exactly the same as it did last time, but if someone is going to be up in your business, you’re going to give it a once-over before he does.
6. Prep a Playlist
Are you going to leave your sexy-time fate up to the shuffle gods and accidentally wind up bumping uglies to Taylor Swift or something? No way.
7. Pee, Obviously
Who wants to be an accidental squirter? Not you.
8. Guard What You Eat All Day Pre-s*x
If you’re going to be getting busy that night, avoiding gas-inducing and high-sodium foods is pretty much mandatory for your peace of mind.
9. Do Smell Checks Everywhere
Catching a whiff of your armpits as you sexily strip down is an art form—and you are a master.
10. Consider Doing Something Drastic Down There
Sprays, douches, anything to make sure you’re fresh and clean. But then you just wash it like a normal person because your lady parts are sensitive.
11. Mentally Check Whether You Used Your Birth Control as Directed Lately
Even if you’re the most meticulous person ever, impending s*x sets your mind into overdrive.
12. Give Yourself a Pep Talk in the Bathroom Mirror
You’re in there peeing and brushing your teeth, anyway. You may as well tell yourself you’re a sexy beast who is about to knock some serious headboard. Or at least practice your smolder for a minute.