I reached out to dating and relationships experts to find out what kinds of things they’d nominate for this list, because all I could think of was a mutual love of Seinfeld, When Harry Met Sally and long meals in bed. (Best match ever!) Here are 12 ways you can tell if you’re compatible with your partnerthat you’ve never thought of before. Take that, haters who secretly thought you’d never find the perfect, head-over-heels, drunk-in-love match of the gods!
1. You’re The Same Kind Of Shopper
Nope, didn’t see that one coming. “If you’re both bargain hunters, you’re more likely to be compatible than if one of you is a spender, the other a saver,” New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. Ohh. Yeah, that sounds about right.
“Money is a big deal in relationships, and shopping is a daily or weekly event — whether it’s just buying gas for the car, or food shopping, clothing shopping, shopping for a new car, a new condo or new furniture — when you have similar shopping habits, you’re less likely to fight over money and more likely to have an easier time together in a relationship.” So spendthrift + spendthrift = love, and miser + miser = love, but as to spendthrift + miser, well, ne’er the two shall meet. Got it.
2. Your Mutual Friends On . Are Blowing Up
Do you have, like, 100 mutual buddies on FB? A lot of friends in common is a sign of mutual compatibility, life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. “Before online dating hit the internet, the majority of couples met through mutual friends,” she says “If you share a lot of the same network, chances are you share similar tastes and values, considering you hang out with a lot of the same people.” And this could lead to a happy, healthy relationship. Plus, you already know lots of each other’s friends, so you already have that part down pat. Easy-peasy.
3. Your Pals Are Enamored Too
Yeah, it rules if you have some overlap in the friend department — and it’s even better if your friends (who didn’t know your partner before) are now your partner’s friends, or at least in their fan club. A surefire sign of happiness is that your friends adore your partner, Cecil Carter, CEO of dating app Lov, tells Bustle.
“Your friends are likely more compatible with who you are than anyone else,” Carter says. “If your friends can quickly bond with your new partner as if they were one of the crew, it’s a great sign you two are compatible.” Stands to reason, invoking the old transitive mathematics rule (if A = B and B = C, A = C): If your friends are compatible with you, and they’re also compatible with your partner, then you and your partner should be compatible too.
4. You Fight
Shlomo Slatkin, who founded the Marriage Restoration Project with his wife, Rivka, tells Bustle. “If you are fighting with your partner, it means that he/she is precisely the one for you.” Obviously this is only true to a point, and if you’re settling in for your thrice-weekly fight, things are not OK. But a fight here and there is normal, and actually preferable, Slatkin says.
“Upon exploration, you will discover that the conflict you are experiencing is tailor-made for you — meaning, you will see that beneath the surface, the issues you face with your spouse trigger your own personal past hurts and issues.” So they give you the opportunity to work through your issues, come out the other side and be all-around happier and healthier. “When you can work through them in a mature and conscious way, you not only repair” your relationship, but you can also “achieve personal growth and healing.” Get some!
5. You Can Do You
And they can do them, just alongside you doing you. Whether it’s an in-tune morning or just an all-around good vibe, you don’t have to alter your thang for your partner. “Your morning routine is the same and/or you are never a burden to the other person’s needs,” Caitlin K. Roberts, founder of To Be a Slut and cofounder of I’d Tap That, tells Bustle. “It feels really lovely when you can just fall into someone’s life and know that you aren’t taking up too much space in their personal time or changing their patterns,” she adds. Instead of feeling like you are changing everything up for them, you can just chill together, and “your love styles match up,” she says.
“It’s great when someone looks at their partner’s gifts as a sign of affection and their partner understands receiving gifts as a sign of feeling loved,” she says. Hint: That means that your love styles match up. The same goes for “physical touch, verbal affirmations and having things done for you,” she says. If you’re on the same page here, and you can both “do you” in harmony, then you are good to go.
6. You Can Compromise
Yup, conflict is great — and it’s even better when you can resolve things calmly, relationship coach and therapist Anita Chlipala tells Bustle. “You fight, but then are able to reach a compromise,” she says. “Conflict gets a bad rap in relationships, but what makes a couple compatible is that even when they disagree, they’re able to move past their differences and come up with compromises that work for both partners.”
Like Slatkin, Chlipala says it’s a good thing if you’re in conflict from time to time, as long as things can be resolved in a timely fashion. Relationships are work, and finding middle ground can be tough can be tough, she says: “It won’t always be perfect, but it will be satisfactory enough,” she says of compromise. And that is A-OK.
7. You Have “Acceptable Differences”
“A big sign that people are compatible to me is what I would call ‘acceptable differences,’” Rob Alex, who created Sexy Challenges and Mission Date Nightwith his wife, tells Bustle. “These are differences that are not dealbreakers in a relationship, but will add lots of conversation to your together time.” Acceptable differences, acceptable differences … wait, what are they? “If you are daring someone and they enjoy doing a certain activity that you have never even tried, but are curious about, that is one of these differences,” he says.
He goes on to elaborate with a few examples: “When my wife and I started seeing each other, she found out I really love attending minor league baseball games; however, she had never even been to one. So as she ventured into the world with me, she started to see that she enjoyed taking in a game, sitting in the warm sun and have amazing conversation while we were there.” Even though she’d never woken up one morning and thought, “I think I’ll hit the ballgame,” she was able to enjoy one with her new partner, and could get down with one of their “acceptable differences.”
Everyone has weird things they enjoy, so it’s all about trying your partner’s weird pastimes, whatever they may be. “The one thing you should look for in a compatible partner are acceptable differences that will push you out of your comfort zone,” he says. That makes it way more exciting than meeting someone who just likes all of the same exact things as you.
8. You Get Their Quirks
“A sign that you are compatible is that you understand the person in a way that others would not know,” BetterHelp telehealth counselor andpsychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. They open up about things that might not be immediately obvious, but you make them feel comfortable, she says.
Sure, a feeling of relaxation when you’re together rules, but this is about your partner opening up to you about quirks, weird secrets, strange habits and the like (and you doing the same). “When you are completely at ease, and can be yourself, when you find yourself compelled to tell them something you have never told anyone, you know you are compatible, and you know this relationship has an ease others have not,” Martinez says. Get comfy and enjoy!
9. You Both Sleep In The Nude
A weird sign, indeed! Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Grant Me a Higher Love, tells Bustle. Picture this: “You love to sleep next to this person and feel the warmth the two of your bodies generate together,” she says. “You find yourselves cuddling each other throughout the night. You wake up in the morning happy to see each other, and because you’re already naked, morning sex comes as natural as the sun rising in the East.” Well, she does paint a pretty compelling picture.
10. You Pee In Front Of Each Other
“True compatibility is the two of you just being yourselves around each other,” dating expert Noah Van Hochman tells Bustle. “OK, going to the bathroom with the door open is right up there too, but that’s a bit too much information!” Let’s just all pray that he means … number one. Barring that, “the weirdest sign that you are truly compatible is actually one of the most difficult to notice, as it really isn’t a sign at all, it’s just ‘being yourself,’” he says. “When you don’t need to be on your best behavior or put on a show in order to bolster your confidence or self-esteem, you show that you can just be yourself around your partner.” And then everyone is happy, because no one likes to put on a big song and dance to feel loved, and no one likes to sense that the person they’re with is song-and-dancing it up.
11. You’re Comfortable With Silence
Wait, I lied. I know I said I couldn’t think of a lot of compelling ways to tell you and bae are like ? but if you two can sit comfortably for hours without saying a word, you’re smooth-sailing. Extra bonus points to those who love to snuggle up in bed and read forever. Yes, long talks on the beach are important, but you have to be able to just say nothing with your love. Silence is golden, after all.
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