One thing I have learned as a marriage and sex therapist is that our role models have fallen short in instructing us how to have a thriving marriage or long-term relationship. It’s not their fault; they just did not know.
The good news is that there are guides out there, and resources inside of each one of us, that could help us experience the committed relationship we would love to have. So read between the lines in this article!
. are 7 ways to mess things up and make sure your partner will leave you (PSST: do the opposite if you want to make sure your partner stays!):
1. Do what is comfortable for you.
Don’t extend yourself and only give of yourself when it is convenient.
Even though all areas of life — including the financial and career realm and even the health realm — beckons us to be a little uncomfortable (try having a good workout without elevating your heart rate or having a good yoga routine without stretching a little past what is comfortable), treat the relationship realm differently and think that relationships work staying in that comfort zone.
2. Do not develop feeling skills — especially if you are a man.
See feelings as a waste of time, listening as unnecessary and believe that there is no need to be careful how you express yourself. Expect your partner to want to be close to you even if they don’t not feel connected or close to you.
Even though one of the most important sources of wellbeing in life is to have empathy for others and experience empathy from others, live on the surface and don’t get to deeply know your partner or be vulnerable with your partner.
3. Treat your partner as if they are a clone of yourself.
Don’t try to be understanding of the differences and insist on constant agreement. Even though it is healthy for each partner to be their own unique selves and actually is necessary for healthy passion to do so, do your best to squelch any conflict or deviating opinions from you.
4. Only arrange dates on your anniversary and each other’s birthday.
Otherwise, there are many good TV shows to watch and your evenings can be taken up with surfing the net because there is an abundance of great information out there. Your partner’s need for attention should be trivialized and seen as unimportant.
Even though all living organisms even plants need some attention, expect that your relationship should deviate from that rule and should thrive even if you rarely think about what your partner might need from you.
5. When it comes to sex, don’t risk.
Don’t express something new and don’t deviate from your sexual routine. Keep it vanilla and expect your partner to be as excited as the first time you had sex together.
Definitely don’t expand your pleasure zone with your partner. That may be more fun than your parents ever had together and you wouldn’t want to be less miserable than they were together.
6. Focus on the plethora of negative and hurtful things your partner has done.
If you forgive, you just may be hurt again, so keep that wall up and then you won’t be so disappointed when your flawed partner doesn’t come through for you once in a while.
The other 90 percent of the time when your partner is doing things for you and showing you love are just things that happen in between the things you should really pay attention to — when your partner disappoints you in some small way.
7. Use your partner as a receptacle for your all your pain and frustration.
Yell when you are angry and withdraw when you are not getting your way. These fight or flight mechanisms will continue to help you release or avoid your tension even if it destroys your relationship.