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Annoying Things No Man Wants To Hear In Bεd



You say: “Are you close?”
He hears: Would you hurry up? I’m bored!

You say: “Is it in yet?”
He hears: You’re so small, I can’t even feel it. “Or I wonder if her ex was huge,” says one friend.

You say: “Let’s finish.”

He hears: You suck at this whole s’εx thing. “Not pleasing your woman is a big no-no,” another friend says.

You say: “Oh, John!”—when his name is actually Jacob. Whoops!
He hears: Oh, John! (And the sound of his ε’rεction taking a nose-dive.)


You say: … (nothing)
He hears: The crickets in the distance. “I figure I must be doing things all wrong,” says yet another friend. “That, or she fell asleep.”

You say: “Don’t do that.”
He hears: That doesn’t feel good. “I don’t mind constructive criticism,” says one guy, “but at least tell me what I can do instead to make you feel good.”

You say: “My ex used to…”
He hears: You’re not as good as my ex, and I wish I was with him instead.

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