I’m confining my list to stuff that happens in everyday life.
1. Seeing Your Ex
This is the scenario: You are at a party and someone is passing around a joint. It’s usually not like you to get stoned at a party because you get a little paranoid.
But it’s just a small party, and everyone there is a close friend of yours, so why not? “Sure,” you tell your sh*tty but lovable friend, Donnie, “I’ll take a hit.”
He explains it is Afghani Fungal Steeze, which means nothing to you, so you pull hard and are instantly very high. The new Kanye record playing on the stereo suddenly sounds beautiful and you lean back on the couch with pleasure.
“Hey,” comes a voice from above.
Your eyes focus on a familiar face. You are staring at the person’s mouth when you hear, “How have you been?” It is your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, and she/he looks 100 times better than you remembered.
Piece of advice for this scenario: There is pretty much no way this can go well, but the only rule of thumb is making sure you don’t hug him/her for too long, no matter how good it feels.
2. A Phone Call With Your Grandparents
This is the scenario: You are going about your business, being a cool, free, young adult and you decide to get stoned because you don’t really have anything to do that day. It’s a Saturday afternoon, and spring has just sprung. So you happily suck on your one-hitter for a while before venturing out into the city to grab your first iced coffee of the season and listen to FKA Twigs and feel sexy and happy and high. Then you get a call and answer it without even thinking.
It is your grandmother. Or it is your father and he is with your grandmother and he decides to pass her old, wrinkly a*s the phone. And suddenly your grandmother is asking you why you haven’t gotten married yet and explaining why she thinks “Mexicans are such hard workers.”
Piece of advice for this scenario: Just vaguely agree with everything she says and speak very little. She is old; she will tire quickly.
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3. A Friend Who Just Broke Up With His Or Her Significant Other Needs To Talk
This is the scenario: You are high. Doesn’t matter why, you just are, and your friend calls you crying because he/she just broke up/was broken up with/by her/his girlfriend/boyfriend, and wants to talk (ALL THOSE SLASHES MAKE SENSE, GUYS).
Your friend needs you, and you want to be there for him/her, but all you can think about is how the bowl of cereal you just poured yourself is getting soggy.
Piece of advice for this scenario: Don’t start eating the cereal, no matter how quietly you think you can chew. Cereal is, like, so crunchy.
4. Talking To A Cop
This is the scenario:
So you step into the subway, excited to listen to podcasts and enjoy your commute, when a cop stops you and asks to do a random bag search. Your first thought is: Wait, that actually happens? “Yes,” the cop says because you actually said that thought aloud, and now he’s looking at you like you are stoned — because you are — and he starts searching through your bag for any evidence. Little does he know the only evidence is now inside your body. So, you watch him take out old receipts, a sock and a bottle of half-finished water from last year, hoping there is nothing you forgot about in there.
Another version of this scenario is, of course: You get pulled over while stoned. But I DON’T condone driving high.
Piece of advice for this scenario: Say nothing and do not try to come up with complicated lies. You will be bad at them.
5. Running Into A Teacher
This is the scenario: Seeing a professor outside of class is weird enough as is. Professors should never be seen eating hot dogs or parking cars. It’s just weird. And having a conversation with one about anything other than “The Nazis gained power because of fear regarding the struggling economy” is more awkward than getting pantsed at graduation. So, mix that with being very stoned and incapable of correctly pronouncing his or her first name (Who the f*ck is actually named Joaquin?) and it’s pretty much the antichrist.
Piece of advice for this scenario: Hope you faint before you accidentally call your professor “Dad.”