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Everything You Need To Know About Demisexuals

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Dating comes with plenty of challenges. But for those who identify as demisexual, there are a few added layers to navigate — particularly when trying to explain their position to those that aren’t familiar with the term.

“Demisexual is usually defined as someone who isn’t interested in s*x except in the context of a strong emotional connection or bond,” explains sexologist Carol Queen. “Since this is very common among people who have been raised with traditional values (no s*x until marriage could be a version of this).” According to Queen, the demisexual identity has less of an emphasis on s*x in general — unless there’s a connection with someone who really awakens it.

But try telling that to someone you’ve been on a few dates with, and things can get tricky. Not to mention, spending time forging a connection only to find out that this person is actually not someone you’re sexually attracted to despite the bond you’ve created adds even more time to the process, and can mean confusion for both parties involved.

What else should you be aware of when it comes to demisexuality? >’s everything you need to know about demisexuals — from the way they view relationships to where they fall on the asexual spectrum, and tips for navigating the dating scene if you identify this way (or are seeing someone that does).

1. Demisexuals And Arousal

Arousal, as most of us know it, is typically visually driven. Whether it’s fantasizing over that smoking hot woman you sat across from on the train during your commute or watching your favorite P0*n flick, the process of getting turned on is usually a sight driven experience. But not so for demisexuals. Because of this, David Ezell, clinical director of Darien Wellness says there are fewer demisexual men than women. “It is rare in men because men are, with these few exceptions, visually stimulated,” he explains. “For example, p****graphy (save for written forms) exploits men’s visual stimulation. Most males see something that attracts them and feel a need to pursue that object; the power of images drives them.”

But Ezell says demisexuals don’t experience the world that way. “While they can acknowledge visual attraction, it is not the basis of arousal,” he explains. “Arousal for them comes about as they become more intimate and share experiences and intimacies with a person.” This may be new news to you gentlemen, but the process of connection-based arousal is very much in line with the way women experience it. “While women do experience visual stimulation it is not nearly as important to them as emotional connection,” he says.

2. Demisexuals On The Asexual Spectrum

Those who identify as demisexuals do fall on the asexual spectrum — but unlike asexuals, demisexuals are capable of feeling s*xual attraction. “Asexual spectrum folk’s main issue may be with the fact that many people don’t understand them or consider asexuality normal,” explains Queen. “So if they yearn for a s*xual connection, it’s mainly because they want to fit in, especially in the dating and socializing world, rather than that they really want s*x. And of course the emergence of the ‘ace’ community means that there is more support for not fitting in this way.”

Both demisexuals and asexuals still want companionship. But while those on the asexual spectrum are able to identify a partner for said companionship based on an array of other personality factors, demisexuals still hold the question of when and if a s*xual connection will happen when vetting potential mates. “The biggest dating issue for a demisexual may be navigating this question of s*xual desire,” says Queen, “When/if, and with whom and under what circumstances.” Also, the way that demisexuals go about seeking out these potential partners differs from the norm. “Many [demisexuals] don’t really date, but rather become close to someone in their circle,” says Queen. “That might be a common experience, even a strategy. And of course, many people who date don’t have s*x right away or maybe ever, which can be a strategy for a demisexual person trying out connections with others — similar to a non-demi person just being especially choosy about who they get s*xual with.”

3. If You’re Dating A Demisexual

If you’re dating someone who identifies as demisexual, Ezell says the first thing you need to do is to forget about what you typically expect the trajectory of the dating process to be like. “Change your expectations about time lines,” he says. “Connection is what drives [demisexuals], and that occurs on a slower timeline.” That can be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re not the patient type. But fostering a connection with a demisexual that’s based on time and experience together is the only path that will lead you to success as far as dating goes.

Step two in dating someone who’s demisexual? Check your ego at the door — especially if you’re used to being in relationships that become physical right away, or use that as a basis for feeling wanted and secure in a relationship. Be realistic: Will spending months and months getting to know someone without any s*xual contact make you feel less wanted or cared about? If your answer is yes, you might want to reconsider pursuing a relationship with a demisexual.

4. If You Are A Demisexual

Queen says that the most beneficial thing demisexuals can do for themselves during their search for a partner is to be straightforward about their identity. “I would always argue for the demisexual person to be upfront and communicate about things in the dating world,” she says. “Specifically because they may find themselves dating someone who is in it for the s*xual possibilities, and maybe not the close bond!” It can be awkward to take s*x off the table right off the bat — and it’s not exactly the type of light first-date conversation you’d ideally want to have. But Queen points out that the sooner you figure out what’s on the agenda for your potential match, the better off you both will be. “This is a way for the demisexual person to prioritize people who, if they get bonded, will accept them and treat them well,” says Queen.

Demisexual males have more skin in the game, according to Ezell, in that when they do feel attracted to a partner, this is a person that matters. “If the male is the demisexual partner, sharing experiences will mean a great deal to him,” he says. “Men connect with people they share experiences with much more so than women, who connect with shared intimacies.”

.: Askmen

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Adulting 101

Business lessons from Joanna Kinuthia

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Joanna Kinuthia is one of the most loved digital content creators in Kenya, and more so after branching into entrepreneurship with Joanna K Cosmetics. Tackling beauty and lifestyle, the young entrepreneur is definitely  a force to reckon with after transforming her love for make up into a thriving business. Here are some business lessons from the 24-year-old CEO.

Take the risk

Joanna is the epitome of what a risk-taker is for quitting her 8-5 job to fully focus on her YouTube channel and her passion for makeup. With her content traversing regions and her personality impacting many, she has amassed 105,000 subscribers. Her decision to not take the employment route may come as a shock, considering unemployment rates in Kenya, but this leap of faith is what’s paying her bills now. This is enough motivation to leave your comfort zone.

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Patience pays

It took Joanna a whole eight months before she could make a cent from her YouTube channel . For many, this already sounds so discouraging. With the rise in the number of people able to access the internet  she has been able to get more viewership . YouTube is growing steadily in Kenya and brands are starting to see the value of influencers. Undoubtedly, it also took a lot of patience for Joanna K Cosmetics to take off considering the hustle of setting up a business and the challenges that face business-people in the country.

Consistency is key

Creating content is nowhere near easy; now imagine creating it consistently. Joanna Kinuthia has been able to make this work in her favor by continuously uploading creative content on make up, skin care, fashion and lifestyle as well as promote her brand, Joanna K Cosmetics. Through her consistency you can clearly attest to her hard work which goes hand in hand with running  a business.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT :Home remedies for getting rid of dark lips

 

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Stay true to yourself

This digital creator is unapologetically herself and is true to her subscribers. She has continually shared her love for make up despite her acne journey which had some people trolling her about it. She also doesn’t fake an accent or her lifestyle which endears people to her brand, staying true to the mantra: remember your why.

If you are a beauty fanatic and would also love great business advice, Joanna Kinuthia has some great tips here.

. Business lessons from Joanna Kinuthia . Vibe Yetu.



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Relationship Tips

Highly Sensitive People, Relationships & Attachement Trauma

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Highly sensitive people often experience an Attachment Trauma. This can greatly affect your relationships. When we understand what this is we can begin the healing process. This is the first of many videos I will do on this very important topic.

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