Connect with us

Lifestyle

Here’s why toxic relationships take so much longer to get over


<!–

–>

One of the most confusing aspects of breakups is who we end up taking the longest to get over.

Why, for instance, does it feel easier to bounce back from parting ways with a genuinely kind, wonderful partner you considered a best friend than an ex who had virtually no redeeming qualities? Why are the people who proved to be mean-spirited, selfish, dishonest, manipulative–aka, so obviously bad in every way–sometimes the hardest to get over?

While it’s easy to be hard on yourself and want to speed up the healing process, there are reasons why a toxic relationship keeps you hooked for too long to begin with. Here are five sign you might be in a damaging relationship now, or why you still can’t get over one from the past:

1. The highs of the relationship feel incredible enough to mask the lows.

In order to stay with someone emotionally abusive in the first place, they’d have to be pretty gd amazing the rest of the time–especially in the beginning.

“If the relationship were only exclusively abusive, and it were that way from the start, there is no doubt in my mind that no one would tolerate that sort of behavior,” says Mariana Bockarova, Ph.D., who teaches relationship psychology at the University of Toronto. “The issue is that there are so many wonderful, tender moments which make it very difficult to believe that this person who can be so loving can also be horrible at the same time.”

Often, toxic relationships start out with lovebombing–aka where things move super quickly and you feel borderline obsessively-admired 24/7. It can feel like a reinforcement of everything every romantic movie ever told you love is, and can easily be confused with finding your soulmate.

Of course, once actual conflicts start, things can take a drastic turn via namecalling, stonewalling, and the abusive partner’s aggressive unwillingness to ever be wrong.

But once the fight is “over” or you’ve broken down crying, the abuser can apologize profusely and fabricate a new honeymoon period, where you feel like the worst is over, until it happens again. 

Bockarova says this is called a trauma bond, and FYI, it’s that much harder to get over because of all the emotions linked to this partner. 

2. Breaking up is a constant threat, and when it does happen, it’s usually very sudden.

A common theme in toxic relationships is the abusive partner saying they’ll just break up with you every time there’s a minor or fixable issue, which can make you feel unsteady being with them.

But then the actual breakup can often be explosive and out-of-nowhere, which can throw you through an even bigger mental loop.

“When a relationship ends, especially abruptly, this leaves you with a sense of not being sure of what went wrong, and in turn, affects your ability to start new relationships,” Bockarova says. “Without knowing what the problem that caused the breakup is, you may become very self-conscious and afraid to enter a new relationship, because you may see yourself as inherently flawed.”

That’s why even a hard but talked-through breakup with a great partner can feel emotionally less devastating than losing a terrible S.O. without any warning. With so many questions unanswered during and after the relationship, moving on can take that much more time.

3. Your ex is a pro at making you feel like *you* ruined the relationship.

Again, because emotions see-saw so much in the relationship, you might have moments where you still think things could work out, or that you’re the reason everything’s broken.

Them being SO caring and attentive can make it seem like there’s some piece to the puzzle missing that would make your partner never show that scarier, nastier side.

Bockarova recommends reminding yourself of what’s actually been happening. “It’s better to recognize that no one can force another individual to act a certain way, and that if they have acted in a way that’s abusive, they’ve allowed themselves to cross a certain boundary. And it will be incredibly difficult to trust that that boundary won’t be crossed again.”

You can’t stop someone from being hurtful or controlling, but the belief that you could can keep you invested far longer than you ever wanted to be.

4. You maybe lost some close friends while in the relationship.

Part of what gives a toxic partner power is isolating you from your friends who, in turn, can’t bring up any red flags they might spot. So whether you’re currently in the relationship or just got out of it, the toll it’s taken on your social life can be rough–and make you feel lonelier than ever.

But, at the same time, reconnecting with friends can be a huge help in healing yourself–as long as you choose your squad wisely.

“Never underestimate the power that other people can have, positive or negative–it’s really important in this phase to have or make good friends who will lend an open ear while making you feel safe and cared for,” Bockarova says. She also suggests therapy.

However, if you went totally AWOL on your friends because of the relationship, they might want an explanation. Bockarova advises being open about the cycle of abuse you’ve experienced, which will hopefully bring you even closer as friends.

5. Your self-esteem has taken one hell of a hit.

No surprises here–dating a person who consistently treats you poorly can make you think you deserve it–and crush your feelings of self-worth in the process.

“In very controlling relationships, the abused partner often loses relationships not only with their friends and family but with themselves because of put-downs for things they might enjoy doing,” Bockarova says. “For instance, being made to feel badly for enjoying a certain television show could cause someone to feel uncertain of themselves and not want to reveal that part of themselves to others.”

Being nitpicked for your hobbies, body, friendships, career goals, outfits, and so on is supposed to wear you down and think you’re so lucky this person could even love you. Even if you break up, it takes a while to rebuild and reconnect with everything you used to love, so be patient with yourself!

6. Your brain is still figuring out how to trust people again.

Dating someone who oscillated between the best and worst person you ever met does a number on your sense of trust, and can make you feel like your own instincts and gut feeling are way off. And that can take a while to get past.

Bockarova’s advice? Throw yourself into some new hobbies or friend groups, even if it means getting out of your comfort zone. “Essentially, try to rediscover the world in a way that lets you concentrate on your wants and needs,” she says. “When you’re trying out something new, it may seem scary at first, but it will actually help you reestablish trust as long as it’s done in a way or with people who are kind and nonjudgmental.”

Yes, getting out of and over a deeply unhealthy relationship can feel like the longest stretch of time ever, even if you don’t love your ex anymore. But be kind with yourself–there’s a reason this is so hard, but you got this.

 

Advertisement
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Lifestyle

Relationship Traps That Happy Couples Avoid At All Costs

Building a strong and lasting relationship is not always easy. There will be ups and downs but couples who avoid these five relationship traps are more likely to last forever.

1. Killing the trust

There are many ways trust can be ruined in a relationship. This includes cheating, lying, a lack of transparency, etc. When you have trouble believing the words that come out of your partner’s mouth or if you don’t trust that he has your best interests at heart, then that relationship will suffer. The best solution is to avoid this trap altogether. Be open, loyal and faithful to your partner.

2. Letting anger overtake them

Sure, there will be fights but how you handle them matters. When you let anger overtake you and you say things that are cruel or build a wall between you and him, you’re killing the relationship. Channel your anger into solving the problem and try not to use it to hurt each other. Those words, even when spoken in anger, are never forgotten.

(Loveweddingsng)

3. Avoiding the difficult conversations

One of the relationship traps most people fall into is an avoidance of talking about the tough stuff. Your problems don’t go away if you ignore them. Be brave and have the hard conversations. You will be better for it.

4. Hitting below the belt

No matter how upset you are, one of the biggest relationship traps to avoid is to attack below the belt. Being vicious with your words/actions or threatening to leave abandon your partner isn’t the way to get what you want. Keep the fight fair.

5 Relationship Traps That Happy Couples Avoid At All Costs Zumi.ng

(Getty Images)

5. Letting the emotional distance grow

When you’ve been together for a while, you may notice there are times when you don’t really feel a strong emotional attachment to your partner. This comes and goes. The key is to not let the emotional detachment phase last too long or the other person will feel unloved or rejected. When you notice this distance, then it may be time to go on a special date, take a trip or do something special to rekindle the love.

For more tips, here are the top mistakes women make in relationships.

How have you been able to deal with argument and disagreement in your relationship? Please share your tips in the ..

Continue Reading

Food & Recipe

Health Benefits Of African Bush Mango Seed (Ogbono) You Should Know

African Bush Mango Seed popularly known as Ogbono has its botanical name as Irvingia gabonensis and is also called wild African mango or bush mango. The Igbo people of Nigeria call it Ogbono and Yoruba people call it Apon.

Ogbono which is called “Apon” by the Yoruba people of Nigeria is indigenous to the humid forest zone from the northern part of Angola, including Congo, DR Congo, Nigeria, Côte d’Ivoire and south-western Uganda but is planted in parts  of  southern Cameroon, Ghana, Togo and Benin.

The tree which is present in the tropical wet and dry climate zone grows naturally in canopied jungle, gallery forests and semi-deciduous forests and produces edible mango-like fruits, and are especially valued for their fat and protein-rich nuts.

ogbono tree

The fruits can be eaten fresh, processed into jelly, jam, juice and sometimes even wine. The pulp has also been used to prepare black dye for cloth coloration. Compared to the seed, the fruit is only a tiny resource.

Also See: 10 Nigerian Foods You Must Eat Before You Die (Part I)

The seed, which is the Ogbono nut can also be eaten raw or roasted but they are mostly pounded into butter or a chocolate-like block. Ogbono seeds can be pressed to produce an edible oil or margarine which is used for cooking.

The oil can also be processed further into soap, cosmetics or pharmaceuticals. The pressed cake can be used as cattle feed or grounded/crushed and used as thickening and flavouring agent in soups and stews.

ogbono seed

In Nigeria, the seed is popular for making soup. Ogbono soup also known as Draw soup because of its slippery nature helps the lumps of solid food slide down the throat to the stomach.

While some people like their Ogbono soup plain, with no added vegetables, others prefer it with some vegetable in it. A third group love their Ogbono soup with Okra, while some people would add Egusi to it.

Several research and studies have shown that ogbono Seed or kernels contains about 18 amino acids and that it is a good . of nutrients, vitamins and minerals such as calcium, magnesium, potassium, sodium, phosphorus and iron.

Further research revealed that the fibre content of the seed improves bowel function and aids detoxification pathways.

The Research also showed that the seeds have beneficial effects on diabetes and obesity as well as in lowering cholesterol, and increasing antioxidant and gastrointestinal activity.

ogbono soup

According to the research, consuming ogbono would help with the following:

Aids Weight Loss:

Ogbono aids weight loss by increasing the levels of leptin in the body, a hormone that reduces appetite and by inhibiting an enzyme called glycerol­3­phosphate dehydrogenase, which reduces the amount of blood sugar converted to fat.

Reduces Cholesterol Level:
Due to its contents, ogbono is not only good for weight loss, it may also serve as a great food to help control diabetes and ward off high cholesterol and the development of atherosclerosis.

Helps In Body Building:

Ogbono seed is also rich in protein which is good for body building. As earlier mentioned, the seed contains vitamins and minerals which are good for the body. It contains thiamine, riboflavin and niacin. The approximate fatty acid composition is myristic acid 33-70 per cent, laureic acid 20-59 per cent, oleic acid 1-11 per cent, palmitic acid 2 per cent and stearic acid 1 per cent. The contained amino acids are reasonably balanced for human nutrition. Since lysine, tryptophan, valine, threonine, isoleucine and phenylalanine have high concentrations in the seed, first limiting amino acids are methionine and cysteine.

So when next you are eating your Ogbono soup, just know you are eating yourself into good health. And for those who don’t eat ogbono, well, you are missing out…

Also See: 10 Amazing Health Bene桴摤ts Of Eating Groundnuts




Continue Reading

Lifestyle

Make-up brand Maybelline New YorK LAUNCHES in Ghana

Events by ENews Gh | on April 21, 2015 | 0 comments | in Fashion | Like it Maybelline New York, the world’s number one makeup brand will officially launch in Ghana at Coco Lounge, and a superstar team of leading makeup artists dubbed the Maybelline Board of Influencers, will lead the launch, using their […]

. Make-up brand Maybelline New YorK LAUNCHES in Ghana . Ghana Ladies.

Continue Reading
Advertisement

Advertisement

Trending