It takes creativity to keep the passion and love alive in a relationship.
Sometimes, when the newness and excitement of the honeymoon period of a marriage or relationship are over, it takes creativity to keep the passion and love alive.
In my experience, couples who don’t share about their different needs often find themselves closing off and the relationship suffers.
> is one example.
Nancy and John were married for 7 years and now, they were going through a crisis.
She has a strong need for feeling secure and grounded and he has an enormous need for diversity and adventure. She wanted to save all the money she could to buy a house and John would rather go on vacation 3 times a year.
Before marrying, they did not notice these differences and both expected the other to have the same needs and desires. There were hints of the different needs but neither one paid attention because she was caught up with her own expectation that blinded her to see the reality.
She could have noticed how easily bored he was if she had paid some attention. He never went to the same restaurant more than once. John did not notice how attached she was to what she owned. It was difficult for him to comprehend that all she wanted was a steady job with a large company.
Having certainty and variety are both important, and it’s important for a couple to acknowledge the degree to how much one is attached to their or the other’s need.
Nancy wanted certainty almost to a full exclusion of variety. How would it be if you always knew what happens day after day?
After a while, you would be bored out of your mind, right?
John wanted variety almost to the exclusion of safety. Of course, variety is essential to keep the excitement alive. However, if you are always searching for new things, you do not spend enough time to build depth in the relationship.
How could you develop deep intimacy if you are constantly searching for new experiences?
Since the couple did not have good communication skills they were at each other’s throats and constantly fighting. When Nancy came to see me, the marriage was at the end of its rope.
As soon as Nancy understood how important his need for variety was, she started to create small surprises for him. She came up with a wild idea, out of the box (for her)!
She took off from work an afternoon and rented a room in a sleazy hotel.
She called John to ask him to join her immediately at a sleazy hotel describing enthusiastically the sexy outfit she just bought. He was in a meeting when he received the completely unexpected call. His face became red as if he had an allergic .. He picked up the call, which was on speaker phone, and everyone in the meeting heard it.
He invented a “plausible” excuse for his immediate departure and said he would be back in a couple of hours. Of course, everyone was smiling.
Nancy said that she never experienced that kind of passion before, and they had been married for 7 years.
It takes openness and creativity to solve your marriage problems. Sometimes it takes a visit to a sleazy hotel and having hot and passionate hotel s*x.
Going to a couple’s workshop where others communicate their different challenges and approaches to solving them and increase passion and love might be more your cup of tea.
Couples are always surprised how much they learn. They are surprised how much simple and safe intimacy skills make a difference in their love life.
You do not have to wait until divorce seems the only solution.