Something I’ve been asked from time to time on this site (most recently in a forum post by one of our members here) is why I don’t date girls who club, party, drink, or have “girls’ nights out”.
The questions you most frequently get about this are:
- Doesn’t every girl do these things?
- Who cares if she goes out and does a little drinking? I trust my girl to stay loyal.
- Aren’t you a hypocrite if you do these things but expect her not to?
- Don’t you trust your women to stay faithful to you? I thought you wrote in the article on how to prevent cheating that it was possible to be so great a partner than women wouldn’t want to cheat?!
Most of these thoughts come from rather different places than where I come at relationships from, though. These thoughts revolve more around fear of loss, and/or a feeling of helplessness to control for or select against this behavior… neither of which I have.
This article will not be terribly helpful if you’re still just starting out on your journey to get good with women, or are intermediate there, because you will not be able to follow it. Real screening is dependent on the ability to say “no,” and until you reach the place where you truly have absolute abundance with women, there will always be women where your logic will say, “I’m not so sure about this one..,” but your emotions will hit the override button and tell you, “Stop being silly – she’s great.”
So let’s talk about why I recommend steering clear of these kinds of women if you want a stable, healthy relationship that is a boon to your existence, rather than the bane of it.
I love women.
And I love party girls. Love ’em. I’ve probably slept with more party girls than more of any other kind of girl out there.
But I’ve never dated a party girl. Never had a relationship with one. I had a girlfriend once who was a semi-party girl… she never once went clubbing or partying without me after our first month of dating, but even that girl, I wouldn’t date a girl that into clubs or parties again.
So don’t mistake me in thinking that I am judging girls who like to party and drink and wild out and have fun… I’m not. I’ve spent large amounts of time around these women, have had great conversations with them, and have taken a very healthy number of them to bed (and given them plenty of orgasms and fond memories to look back on).
Also, do not mistake me for wanting a girl who is a “doormat” (something I’ve been accused of wanting by a few ticked off female commenters here). The women I date are some of the strongest-willed women you will ever meet. They chew up and spit out most men for laughs. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had had her master’s degree at the time I dated her or has earned it since; had then or has now a high-flying career; and is used to entertaining loads of different suitors, many of whom are wealthy, many of whom are handsome, many of whom are charismatic. Any one of them would tear your average party girl apart in a battle of wills and send her running home crying to mama.
I’m talking about something very specific here; I’m talking about avoiding committed or long-term relationships with women who put themselves in positions where the temptation and ability to stray is significantly higher than it needs to be.
Don’t get it twisted.
The lack of commitment in these kinds of relationships tends to creep up more with time.
Depending on how much experience you have with women, you may have a little or a lot of experience with women straying from their partners.
As noted in “Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do and 7 Things NOT to” and in the earlier “What Women Think About Their Husbands”, I’ve had my experiences with married women and women in relationships, and I’ve had casual relationships (back when I used to do these) where the girl was openly seeing other men, and one serious relationship where I broke up with a girl, then took her back a few months later, not realizing she’d gotten a new boyfriend in the meantime and continued seeing him even as she was sleeping with me and telling me there was only me too.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence, and I’ve seen all kinds of things that men claim would “never happen to them,” and I’ve seen how shocked and startled men are when they realize that thing that would “never happen to them” just did.
I’ve seen this with friends, with the partners of women I’ve slept with, and even experienced it myself with that one ex-girlfriend I took up with again.
It’s SHOCKING; this kind of thing CAN’T happen to YOU. Other guys, sure… but YOU?!!
There are several problems with your woman straying that everybody is aware of:
- You can catch an STD or two
- She can rope you into supporting another man’s child
- Her “purity” is tainted (matters if you’re conservative, though not if you’re liberal)
All of these you can deal with though: most STDs are curable; make sure you get a DNA test if your girl is going to bring a child to term or is asking for you to foot any medical bills; and as for purity, well, as soon as she cheats and you find out about it, just break up with her. Not so hard (except for the men living with a scarcity mentality who are unable to break up with their girlfriends, and torment themselves with indecision… then it’s hard).
But there are other problems that straying introduces into your relationship too, and to my mind these are just as big, or even bigger, than those former problems:
- Your girl starts treating you colder and less well
- She begins to be increasingly disinterested in you and disrespectful toward you
- She begins to act as if you are dirt and she is above you… better than you
This is because she has options and you do not. The balance of power distinctly and significantly shifts in the relationship, and she is now above you and you are now beneath her.
Across the board, this will undermine your confidence, sabotage your efforts to focus on ANYTHING besides her, and FORCE you to begin to chase after her if you’re to stay with her. She’s pulling away; you can either sever the connection, or give chase.
Most men give chase.
And when you’re chasing women, you also aren’t working on the other important areas of your life, caught up as you are emotionally in this all-consuming whirlwind of emotional torment and destruction.
The Whirlwind of Chaos
Quick: how productive is a man who suspects (or knows) his woman is cheating on him?
How fully is he devoted toward building his business?
Learning that new skill he wants to learn?
Giving back good things to mankind?
He’s nothing but a worthless, steaming, simmering pile of out-of-control emotions, isn’t he?
The greatest threat a woman who may be straying from you poses is not to your ability to reproduce (you can always paternity test up, and give her the boot if the result comes back negative).
Nor is it catching STDs, which always sound horrible but are more often than not annoyances rather than deadly diseases or lifelong afflictions.
It is, rather, something I refer to as “The Whirlwind of Chaos.”
The men I’ve known who most frequently have women who are cheating on them or seem like they might be are also, by no coincidence, the friends who spend the most time being buffeted about by the gale force winds of The Whirlwind of Chaos.
They spend time:
- Saying ridiculous things like, “WHYYYY?!?!!” to no one in particular
- Endlessly, obsessively (and fruitlessly) trying to guess what their women are thinking or doing at any (sometimes EVERY) particular moment in time
These periods seem to always precede major setbacks in these men’s educations or careers, and, when enough of them have been accumulated, usually end up spelling doom for any major initiatives they sought to undertake.
The worst thing, to me, is that most guys NEVER seem to learn. They never come out of a relationship like this and say, “Wow, THAT was awful. How do I make sure I never have a totally worthless, destructive stretch like that in my life EVER again?”
Instead, they just sweep it under the rug and forget about it… until it happens all over again with the next girl.
I have noticed, invariably, that the girlfriends of men who experience The Whirlwind of Chaos all have a few specific traits in common, nearly universally, pretty much across the board:
- They all like to get drunk
- They all like to party
- They all enjoy girls’ nights out
Yet, when you point these things out to these guys, they always come back and tell you, “Yeah, but my girl is different.”
A man’s wife may make him or break him, goes the saying, and this extends every bit to his girlfriends and lovers, too. Just as you are most likely going to be her closest friend and #1 supporter, she’s going to be your closest friend and #1 supporter, too.
The people you keep close to you have the greatest impact on the direction of your life, the emotions you feel, the level of focus, dedication, and concentration you have (or not), and your self-esteem.
Few (if any) will ever be closer to you than the women in your life; in a way, by taking a girl on as a partner of yours, you are handing her the keys to your inner world.
Once there, she can either help build you up and drive you onto success…
… or, she can tear you down, piece by piece, and destroy everything you stand for and strive for.
Why I’m So Damn Picky
I don’t know much about you, Dear Reader. You may well be comfortable living a quiet, ordinary, average life, sitting in your recliner, whiling away your off-hours hypnotized by primetime TV or the news or memes or YouTube videos on the Internet, believing you are as great as the advertisers say you are, simply for using their products, and finding satisfaction enough working a 9-to-5 and doing your small part to contribute to the continuation of human society.
If that’s you, you probably don’t need to be picky; a girl who causes you great tumult, drama, and upset is not going to throw you off.
Those YouTube videos will still be there when things calm back down again.
But if you have things you want to do with your life outside the ordinary, you’d better be DAMN sure you ally with women who aren’t going to run you off the railroad for your trouble.
You see, just like you wouldn’t pick a lazy bum to be your friend when you have ambition and need fresh ideas and encouragement and belief, you wouldn’t pick a woman liable to sick The Whirlwind of Chaos upon you as a relationship partner, either.
Sure – while things are good and all is well, a girl who loves parties and nightclubs and bars and getting sloshed and flirting with men is going to (probably) keep it just to that, and won’t go any further, and won’t cause you any unneeded headaches. You’ll be able to mostly relax, and enjoy your relationship, and still focus on the things that are important to you.
Yet, the moment things get heavy – when situations get stickier, when problems crop up, whether those problems are with her or with the relationship or they’re with other things in your life – as she becomes a bit dissatisfied, she has easy access to a salve… a short-term fix… a nice distraction from you, who isn’t giving her everything she needs right now.
And as soon as you notice her start pulling away, and you start stressing out or chasing, guess what? Whatever problems you had just multiplied a hundred fold.
My suggestion is not “be picky because certain kinds of women are ALWAYS a destructive distraction.”
My suggestion is “be picky because certain kinds of women are prone to becoming destructive distractions RIGHT when you need it LEAST.”
“Yeah, But My Girlfriend’s DIFFERENT…”
Number one reason why I hate giving relationship advice?
EVERYBODY’s girlfriend is “different.”
It gets really annoying. I’ve pretty much stopped giving advice on relationships now because of it. It’s like trying to convince an alcoholic he’s an alcoholic: “I am NOT an alcoholic! I can quit any time that I WANT! I just don’t WANT to, is all!”
I understand it… I had a girlfriend I used to say that about to people: “Yeah, but she’s different…” It was a mindset shift of tectonic proportions for me when I had to realize that she was Homo sapiens too, just like you and me and every other male and female human being out there on the planet. Startling stuff.
All I’ll say is this: if you think that human beings are one way, but your girlfriend is another way, not based on any actual evidence or experience you have but “just BECAUSE”, well… that isn’t reason talking, bub.
It’s those in-love feelings swirling about your brain. And they’re only saying what they’re saying to get you stick with her and mate with her and ignore people cautioning you that she might not be all she’s cracked up to be – because if you’re this crazy about her, your brain figures, she must be out of your league – her DNA is worth the risk.
When I was new to business, I didn’t really bother signing comprehensive contracts on the businesses I got into. Big mistake. I lost a great deal of time and a great deal of money due in no small part to this oversight.
The wisdom in business circles is, “Nobody likes signing contracts because contracts are there for when things go wrong, and no one wants to think at the start of something new that things are ever going to go wrong.”
Sometimes you just need to get burned a few times before you realize how important these are, like I did.
Think of choosing the right girlfriend as being something just like this. You’re picking not just for what you’ll enjoy, and what you’ll connect with, and what benefits your life… but also what you’ll be glad to not have to deal with when things get rockier (and things always do).
Because I don’t care how “different” or “in-control” your girlfriend is… if she’s been fighting with you a lot recently, and she’s drunk off her rocker, and out partying at a girls’ night out, and meets someone sexy, and all her girlfriends are telling her, “Do it! Forget about John; he’s a dick! And he’s never going to know! That guy you’re dancing with is soooo cute!”… well, get ready to set aside all other matters of importance in your life and focus exclusively on your relationship for weeks or months from that point forward.
Look Before You Leap
If you already have a girlfriend now and she likes parties / clubs / girls’ nights out / getting hammered on appletinis / flirting with sexy new men / any of the above, this article really isn’t for you.
Because your girl’s different… trust me, I know.
Instead, this article is for the man who isn’t in-love yet, or otherwise emotionally associated, with a girl who falls into the party girl category. Before you let yourself invest any considerable amount of time or emotion in a woman, you must screen out the women who are most likely to become a liability later on down the line.
Your thought process needs to be, “Oh! She’s cute! Oh wait… she clubs. Well, okay; we can hook up, but I can’t sleep with her more than once.”
This prevents you from ending up in those situations where your logical mind is going, “Uh-oh; potential trouble on the horizon,” and your emotional mind is going, “No! Stop this talk at once! She’s different!”
There’s no way to win once you’re in that place.
It’s very difficult to un-involve yourself with a woman you’ve begun investing in and developing feelings for. She must be screened prior to this.
But Aren’t ALL Girls Party Girls?!
This is a common concern of men when they hear this advice. If you can’t date a party girl… doesn’t that mean you can’t date ANYONE?! Aren’t all girls party girls??
The truth is… no, not even close.
Most girls are NOT party girls.
By “party girl,” I don’t just mean girls who go out five nights a week, get smashed, and pick up dudes, either. I’m including even girls who go out once a month; who have girls’ nights out at bars, parties, or nightclubs sans boyfriends; and who drink to anything more than just mildly buzzed.
Does this make me a hypocrite, since I go to clubs and parties and I drink? I don’t know; I also have a penis, but I certainly don’t want a woman who has one of those too. If those things make me a hypocrite, than I guess I must be; I’ve made my peace with it. I don’t want to date a female ME. I have enough “me” with me in my life, thanks very much.
The fact is, MOST girls are NOT party girls.
Most girls do not:
- Get drunk / smashed / wasted (ever)
- Hang out in nightclubs (ever)
- Have wild girls’ nights out (ever)
No, not really. You see these girls on TV and think they’re everywhere, or you meet them at the club and think every girl is like them… but they’re not.
These women represent a minority of the women out there.
You know what most women do on a Friday night?
They read books.
Talk to friends on the cell phone.
I almost forgot there were girls like this back when I was immersed in the club lifestyle. But once you start meeting women during the daytime, your perspective shifts back the other way.
Go out and do some day game. Meet women shopping for groceries, or spending time in a bookstore.
If you think I’m full of it, start asking these girls how often they go to nightclubs, how much they drink, and how frequently they have “girls’ nights out.” You’ll be SHOCKED at how frequently you hear:
- “I don’t drink.”
- “I don’t go to nightclubs.”
- “I don’t do girls’ night out.”
If you think every girl does these – or even that MOST girls do these – you’ll be in for a big surprise… because most women do NOT.
Pick a Girl for the Right Role
One guy spends 20 hours a week playing baseball. Another spends 15 hours a week playing polo.
Which guy do you put on your baseball team, and which one do you put on your polo team?
Likewise, one girl spends her nights partying, clubbing, drinking, dancing, and flirting. Another girl spends her nights talking to friends, cooking, reading, and finding ways to better herself.
Which girl do you have a really fun fling with, and which girl do you take on as a girlfriend?
It’s not hard… but many men make it hard.
Because they live in scarcity.
Because that hot girl they met at the club is the hottest girl they’ve met in months anywhere, and they figure they’ll just mold and shape her into the way they want her.
Because they refuse to accept that people are the way they are, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to change that.
You don’t craft a girl into what you want. You find a girl who is already what you want.
Life > Women
Learning how to get girls for me was more about freeing myself from the fear and uncertainty of not knowing if I’d be able to get more girls in the future or find women as good as the one(s) I was dating at the time, to truly be able to let go of anxiety there and focus on doing whatever I wanted to do with my life.
When you’ve opened your heart to a woman who puts herself in situations where she is likely to do things that will echo back upon you negatively, distracting you, destroying your focus, and unleashing The Whirlwind of Chaos upon your life, you’re not doing yourself any favors.
You’re not going to enjoy your relationship any more. In fact, you’re going to hate it.
But what’s worse, everything else in your life takes a backseat to dealing with this drama.
There are so many women out there who will not be a distraction to you, and so many who will be a boon to you – helping you, encouraging you, learning and growing with you.
Pick girlfriends who will not just be good girlfriends, but who will be good for your life – who will be, rather than destructive distractions, constructive focus-enhancers.
There are so many amazing women out there who are well suited to relationships. Club girls, party girls, and “girls’ night out” girls are great too – just, not as your “partner.”
And, for the commenters here feeling the need to defend their current girlfriends who meet this description… I know, I know – your girl’s “different.” She always is 😉
Chase Amante – girlschase.com