You’ll never land a man that way!
When I was single, I struggled to find a good man mostly because I spent far too much time hoping the wrong guy would magically change into ‘the right guy.’
It’s a state of mind I call ‘wishful hoping.’
And while I’m way past that mindset in my own life, I see so many of my perpetually single clients struggling with it.
‘Wishful hoping’ is very similar to being in a state of longing. To better understand it, here’s a great definition of ‘longing’ from relationship expert Gay Hendricks:
“Longing is a persistent lingering feeling of wanting something you can’t quite get or something you’ve judged unattainable.”
So what are some ways ‘wishful hoping’ shows up and sabotages your chance of finding a true and lasting relationship? Here are some examples:
Waiting for a man to leave his wife or break-up with his girlfriend
Waiting for a man to drink less or stop doing drugs
Making excuses for a man when he doesn’t call or email you as promised
Continually paying for everything when he’s promised to look for work
Waiting for a man to take care of himself or lose weight
Waiting for a man to finally be “ready” to commit to you
There are exceptions in some of these situations of course, but you get the idea.
When you’re longing for things show up, shift, or be different than they are (especially when you’re waiting for someone else to change), you’re at the mercy of external circumstances.
The only person you can change is yourself, and all the wishing and hoping in the world won’t change that.
I don’t care how much you complain to him about his drinking or his attachment to another woman, most likely he won’t ever change. In fact, studies show that if you keep complaining to someone about their behavior it just makes them dig in their heels and continue the unwanted behavior longer.
You can free yourself from ‘wishful hoping’ by getting real with what’s happening in the present. Take care of yourself based on what’s occurring now, not what you think may happen in the future “IF ONLY …” this or that happens.
Wasting time waiting for a situation to change delays your change of finding an already great and healthy relationship.
So, if you want to shorten the time it takes to find your Mr. Right, let go of what you’ve imagined for yourself in the not-right situation you’re in.
It will feel hard, but trust me, facing reality and what is feels so much better than what if.