A few months before my breakup happened, everything seemed fine. It wasn’t all perfect, but still… we were together.
So I thought.
I felt, however, that my affection towards her wasn’t built on healthy ground.
The love I had for her began to feel more and more like a painful dependence than actual love.
I remember talking to a friend a few months before the actual breakup happened.
I remember saying something to him that sounds so terribly sick to me today, but actually perfectly defined my psychological condition which I’ve described above.
He confided in me his worries about the relationship with his girlfriend, and that they had somehow grown apart.
He was worried that they were going to split up.
I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. I told him that I was sorry, and added this little sentence to it:
“If my girlfriend were to ever leave me, my life would be over”.
A few months after that, I was dumped for real.
And it just felt, for a fairly long time, exactly as if my life was over.
It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That little sentence, which I added so lightly back then, as though I was bulletproof from heartbreak, revealed a lot about me at that time.
It was the arrogant statement of someone who felt that he was doomed. Someone who would rather take the “easy way out” than deal with his own shortcomings.
What did that say about me, and could it be your problem too?
The Bottomless Pit
”She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself.”
– Anais Nin
During the whole relationship, I strongly believed a few key things that I now know defined how I reacted towards her.
These beliefs happen to shape our whole relationship.
I felt that SHE was the best thing that had ever happened to me. That she was the most beautiful girlfriend I’d ever had – and here it comes – that I didn’t deserve her at all.
Being with her felt as if Cupid had made a terrible mistake.
I clearly remember that this was my main and strongest belief – that she was way too good for me.
Such a belief is very powerful, and it will take its toll eventually… and so it did.
“You just don’t love yourself much, do you?” someone said to me after it happened.
And that was right on, the underlying issue was a lack of self-love and self-esteem.
What happens then is that you define YOURSELF through this relationship. You experience self-worth only through your partner.
And this will lead to all kinds of toxic relationship symptoms:
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- You will be overly jealous
- You will be controlling and demanding
- You will think that you are the only one who cares for this relationship
- You will suck the life out of the relationship by making it all about you
And all of this makes sense, when you keep in mind that you have to feed this hungry and all-consuming need:
Receiving self-worth from your partner.
The moment this toxic and selfish need isn’t met, you will feel bad… and manipulate your partner into feeling the same.
It’s a bottomless pit.
It will become a destructive pattern that will eventually cost the relationship.
Are You Making This Same Mistake?
Why am I telling you this?
Should you suffer from a breakup right now, chances are that you went through a similar pattern.
I’m not saying that it was you who destroyed the relationship with toxic behavior, because not all of us resort to such a behavior when this need of significance isn’t met.
Many of us withdraw, become depressive, disconnect and maybe fall into a passive aggression pattern.
But what most of us have in common is the lack of a sense of our own worth, a strong disconnection from our real ME.
The good news is that when you know what the disease is, then you can start looking for a cure. It’s easy to fall into despair when you can’t connect the dots, and you’ll just feel like you are racing the vicious cycle of failed relationships.
When you suffer through a recent breakup, and you believe that you fall into the above described category, then there are three things you must do:
- Remove your “Self-Worth Giver”, (go No-Contact)
- Reconnect to your true self
- Work on your self-worth, (self-love, self-esteem and an additional “secret component”)
By the way, these are two of “The 7 Steps To Authentic Love” that I teach in my DETOX Course, (which is part of my new “Authentic Love Program”).
“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
– Stacey Charter
The sentence I said to my friend so many years ago perfectly predicted my future suffering.
It condensed so well what my core-problem was, and how it pervaded and corrupted the relationship I had.
This was, of course, only ONE of the reasons for my breakup. The other main one was a huge incompatibility between the two of us, and a bunch of minor things.
All of which I’ve learned about in my recovery, and the relationship inventory that I’ve made.
If you find yourself struggling with similar things that I did back then, then I urge you to work on yourself.
Work on yourself hard and break that cycle of failed relationships that you are most probably going to go through your whole life.
Because one fatal peculiarity of looking for self-worth outside of yourself, is that it doesn’t really go away by itself. It keeps sabotaging your relationships and attracting the wrong partners.
That is why we keep running into the same kind of relationships over and over again.
Start to break the cycle today and attract the right partner for you.
So that sometime in the future, instead of the sentence I said, you might say:
“I love being in this relationship, but if it were to end for whatever reason, I would be OK, I won’t lose myself”.
This is what I wholeheartedly wish for you.
Do you have an idea why your relationship ended? Please share in the comment-section below.